I woke up again today. That’s a minor miracle, considering how many people die each day. But I’m not one of them. Still alive. I woke up, went number one, and then turned on the coffeemaker in the kitchen. I get the coffee ready the night before. This way, I just have to stumble into the kitchen, turn the damn thing on and feed the cat. I’m always feeding the cat, it seems. Cat jumps up on the little cat island with his two dishes—one for dry food, one for wet food. He cries. I say, shut up, I’m’a’comin’ – and I fill those two bowls as fast as a I can. King of the house. Little furry creature. My black cat. He’s more partial to the Fisherman’s Catch than he is to the Turkey and Giblets in Gravy. Can you blame him? Even the word “giblet” makes me want to puke.
So, as I said, I woke up, went to the bathroom, turned on coffee and fed the cat. Then comes the real test: Do I drink warm lemon water? Fresh-squeezed lemon in a glass of warm water. Gets the liver going. Cleaning out before I dump a bunch of jet-black coffee into the old gullet.
Yes, this morning I decided to drink the warm lemon water. What this does is make me go number two. Fast. Gets all the bowels moving. That’s all I need to say. Cleans out the liver, gets the gall bladder moving…just generally makes your body healthier.
Then, and only then, I’m ready for coffee.
But then comes the next big decision. And mind you, I haven’t even been up for more than 7 minutes. Do I meditate right away? Or do I post a video on TikTok. This is an existential dilemma. Do I jump right into my social media posts? Or do I listen to some Reiki visualization video on YouTube, sit back with my new iPhone and little earbuds, contemplate my bank account, my ultimate life purpose and general all-rightness with my world?
It’s always advisable to connect with your higher source before jumping into the wild world of social media. Better to center yourself before confronting your day, that’s what I tell myself. Better to do something grounding before being distracted by dancing midgets with pans for hats. Or strange men with no shirts and mighty perfect six-packs doing squats. Or some random housewife dancing like a fool in her kitchen while her husband laughs in the background.
Better to look within and know thyself.
This morning I opted to skip the Reiki contemplation and jump straight into posting another video on TikTok. No point wasting time trying to contact my higher self—I know he’s there. He can wait. He can text me if he needs to talk. He knows I have more basic needs. I needed to post another video on TikTok. Not before I checked the views and likes on the two TikTok videos I posted last night—or rather very early morning. Around 1:34 am, to be precise.
I couldn’t sleep yet, since I drank a cup of coffee around 8 pm, just to stay awake and alive as I watched the news flashing the red and blue states back and forth. It was the day after the big presidential election. These dapper men on all the networks just kept pointing to state after state. On big fancy screens. And they could draw numbers on them with their fingers. Right on the screen. I thought that was cool. They kept jerking back and forth into the screen and then away. Pointing. And the colors kept changing. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. It was worse than watching a tennis match. And all the newscasters were taking this very seriously. Oh, yes, I know. It’s the presidential election. The leader of the free world. Determined by red and blue numbers. I get it. But I had so much red and blue flashing in my head I thought I was being pulled over for speeding at midnight.
So, I checked my likes and views on my TikTok videos; but nothing came through yet. Like the election, I had to wait for the results. What to do now? I was waiting to drink my coffee. Wait 20 minutes for the warm lemon water to go through and do its cleansing thing—like a citrus Hazmat team—then dump a bunch of jet-black coffee, Chock Full of Nuts, into the old system.
So I posted another TikTok video. Got to keep the social media content continually pumping, like blood in the stratosphere. Keep my presence known.
How else could I become as big a star as Judy Garland or Jerry Seinfeld?