The Universe is Made of Tofu

The more I learn about soybeans, the less I like them. They’re used for too many things, have too much power and should not be trusted.

Not only do soybeans make tofu, miso and soy milk—but soybean meal is a primary ingredient in livestock feed, which means they also make big, fat cows—which then make double-beef cheeseburgers, chili-dogs and T-bone steaks. From this tiny legume comes the humble tofu stir-fry and the entire fast-food industry.

The same bean that made soy margarine for one slice of bread, grew the cow that made butter for another slice of bread. On Thanksgiving, one person eats Tofurky (soy-based turkey substitute) while another person eats real turkey raised on soy meal, which means that person is eating soy once removed.

But don't stop at burgers and fake turkeys. Not only is soy used for food—it’s also found in paint, textiles, soap, chemicals, countertops and flooring.

I don’t know about you, but I don't want to be walking on the same stuff that I'm eating for dinner. I haven’t been able to eat scrambled tofu since.

Read the labels on the products in your home and you’ll find you are literally surrounded by soy. My search yielded the following: shampoo (soy protein); crackers (hydrogenated soybean oil); soy sauce, salad dressing, dog biscuits, sardines in soy oil, veggie bacon bits; cake frosting and peanut butter.

But don’t stop there. The paint on your walls might contain soy; the rugs on your floor (textiles) could contain soy; and that Goop candle you’re saving for a special moment might, too.

Clearly this little “wonder bean” has too much power.

What about the other beans? Why not adzuki, garbanzo or pinto? What about the great northern bean? No one ever talks about the great northern bean.

Why soy?

I wouldn't be surprised if some scientist tells us the universe itself is composed of nothing but soy molecules. A virtual collapsing black hole of beans.

What if the soybean is an alien form of intelligence, secretly taking over the world? Each bean could contain genetic codes from another planet. With vegetarians eating tofu, meat eaters eating soy-fed animals, bodybuilders using soy-based muscle shakes, and everyone (I hope) using soap, the aliens have the entire planet at their fingertips. They could be setting up a cross-communication network as we speak. The tofu in your refrigerator could be linked to the soy sauce in your local supermarket, which would then be linked to every tub of margarine in every supermarket on Earth.

Forget carbs; I say we should watch out for the soybean.