Eat Your Music

I’ve decided listening to the great rock band, AC/DC, is highly beneficial. Gets the blood flowing. Puts me in a take-no-prisoners state of mind. Ready to conquer the day with gusto. It’s taken me years to realize the music I listen to dramatically affects my mood. I get highly emotional listening to Neil Young’s “Old Man”—especially since I’m now 56 and don’t know where the hell the time went. I was listening to that song when I was 15 and that was a long time ago, buster. Now, as an aging, balding fool, I get teary-eyed. Sentimental. Mushy. Not good for maintaining a positive forward focus.

From 15 to 56. It went by so fast. My advice to all you young’uns (and sentient beings of all ages): Live it up. In the moment. Burn your candle at both ends. Enjoy the sweetness of your days. I’m always 25 steps ahead in my mind. Future planning. Pontificating. Scheming about my millions of dollars in a Swiss bank. I’m never quite here in the moment. This, my friends, is stupid. There’s flowers blooming today. The sun is shining. A big fat plate of delicious food might be right in front of you. Are you eating mindfully—focusing on the taste, the smell, the overall culinary experience? Or are you six steps ahead—planning your day, your week, your next 20 years? All the while sucking down the food in an unconscious haze. How many meals have you ingested since you were chained in a high chair and force-fed mushy peas? A lot, right? How many were eaten mindfully? Or were you in a dream state? Worrying about the future; regretful about the past? Focus on what’s in front of your mouth and your nose. Simple. If you want more information, sign up for my non-existent masterclass, “How to Achieve Ultimate Success While Slurping Organic Smoothies.”

Today, I’m living as if it were my last day on earth. What if I don’t wake up tomorrow? What kind of day would I live today? Would I wake up and listen to peaceful, meditative music? Or would I listen to AC/DC? Right now, I’ll take the latter. Damn, they get the blood flowing. Much healthier than those energy drinks these kids suck down like liquid candy. Me, I just have a strong cup of black coffee. Coffee has antioxidants. Good for your health. Don’t believe me—look it up. I’m not burning my cellular data for you.

What else? Lest we forget, Covid is kicking the ass of the world with a big fat pandemic boot. Nuff said. I’m trying to keep the mood of this piece positive. In accordance with the AC/DC, take no prisoners vibe. So I’ll skip the Covid talk, switch tracks and get back to a happy place. Like in that kid’s show from the 90’s, The Teletubbies. I just want to bounce down a fake grass hill in a big fat purple space monkey suit. Happy, baby. Happy to be alive. Making strange sounds. Being playful. With a few other random friends in different colored space monkey suits. Watch the show. You’ll get the reference. Do your research, people!

I repeat: listening to certain types of music can dramatically affect your mood. That’s why classical radio stations play light classical in the morning—for commuters driving to jobs they hate; spending their day with people they just want to kick. (Or pour hot coffee over) They need soothing, fat-free music. Music like floating through a garden with big yellow flowers. Peaceful…happy…puts us all in a mood to maintain freeway civility. Diminishes road rage. Lowers the heart rate. Did you know listening to Handel’s Water Music while driving to work will make you more prone to love and forgiveness—especially after some idiot cuts you off at 75 mph? But be careful with classical music. Listening to a brooding symphony by Mahler or Beethoven could make you moody and morose. You’ll start thinking about death, melting icebergs, and how fast food meals now cost more than a pair of shoes.

Summary: Choose both your music and your food wisely. But remember, only one gives you high cholesterol. (Hint: Don’t be stupid, you know which one…)

Here’s two free takeaways from today’s lesson:

1) Fast food can make you constipated.

2) Listening to loud rock music at high decibels will make your ears ring.

I’d rather have ringing ears.

You can thank me in the comments section.